1. "His clam, but intense attention to detail leaves readers intimidated yet expectant for the forth coming of his next step."
Rule 4 - Don't refer to the reader(s). Btw, "clam" is spelled "claim." Derp.
2. "The sound and vulgarity shows Holden's ruthless and loud personality."
Rule 6 - Avoid the word "show."
3. "Baker uses a lot of language that magnifies the importance of the coldness felt, "spreading into a needly area of shine where it fell against their brushed-steel side-panels, and adding long glossy highlights to each of the black rubber handrails", this creates imagery for the reader of what the daily worker sees."
Rule 8 - Punctuation goes inside the quotation marks.
4. "His negative connotation is straightforward and precise."
Rule 3 - You never explained why the connotation is precise, and only ever implied straightforwardness in a very discreet way.
This is my favorite close reading:
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