Mymomisafob.com And Mydadisafob.com

Adding on to my experiences reading Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua, I'd like to share a pair of websites that you may or may not find funny.

http://www.mymomisafob.com
http://www.mydadisafob.com
(The links don't work, so you'll have to ctrl+c.)

These websites share stories from all over about the English trouble, technological difficulties, awkward situations, and just plain adorableness of Asian FOB's. The acronym stands for "Fresh Off Boat," the term for immigrants (mostly Asian ones). You may or may not find these anecdotes funny due to lack of Asian parents. (I suggest you borrow mine.)


Here are some particularly good ones:



A Lesson To Learn
Scene: School parking lot after class ends. My mom points out a Chinese couple making out near the bathrooms.

Mom: Aiiiiiiiiiii-YAAAAAAAAAA! Can’t they do that behind bushes or suuumting? If you eveeeeeeeeeeer get boyfriend, don’t let me see do something like that!
Me: Don’t worry. I wouldn’t dare to.
Mom: Good. Because if you do, I take picture and send it to grandma. And then when grandma get heart-attack, you pay hospital bills.



Online Predators via Youtube?
So my mom is a VERY protective mother. This is what happened after she watched a 60 minutes special on Online Predators. I’m watching a Video Blog on Youtube…

Mom: Who is that guy?
Me: I don’t know
Mom: Why is he talking to you??
Me: It’s a video…
Mom (at the computer): GO AWAY, MY DAUGHTER DON’T WANT TO MEET UP AND TALK TO YOU



Dear Literate Dog,
My dad and dog have a hate-hate relationship; he’s the only person she barks at. My dad has been trying to get her to stay downstairs during the day to minimize accidents. I came home to this sign. I asked him why he wrote a sign and he just said it works…

Text Message Abbreviations
Daddy: Had a long snap?
Me: Yeah. Sup?
Daddy: What sup
Me: It’s an abbrev for what’s up?
Daddy: Nup
Daddy: For nothing is up

Asian Parents

In honor of the book I'm reading (Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua, I shall talk about my Asian parents. Chances are, they're probably going to read this without informing me of their intent to do so (as is the Asian-American way), but I've grown used to that. They keep tabs on my Facebook, how should this be any different? Haha.

First, a bit about the book. The epithet reads:


"This is a story about a mother, two daughters, and two dogs.

This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kids than Western ones.

But instead, it's about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a thirteen-year-old."


This pretty much describes the book. I like how Amy Chua phrased "a fleeting taste of glory;" it sounds poetic (perhaps unintentionally) to me.

Within the Chua household, the two children, Sophia and Louisa (Lulu), were not allowed to do several things:

- attend a sleepover
- have a playdate
- be in a school play
- complain about not being in a school play
- watch TV or play computer games
- choose their own extracurricular activities
- get any grade less than an A
- not be the #1 student in every subject except gym and drama
- play any instrument besides the piano or violin
- not play the piano or violin

What does this sound like? Well, to some, it may sound like hell. Derive a child of the pleasures of childhood in the form of Teletubbies and Looney Tunes? Heaven forbid. Although, to be fair, I'm actually serious about Looney Tunes. That's some good stuff right there.

But I digress. The concept behind this seemingly Spartan method of raising children is this: Chinese parents, or any nationality of parent that uses this parenting methodology, such as Koreans, Japanese, Ghanians, etc., believe that their children inherently have the capability of doing anything they want; they just have to be pushed hard enough. Childrens' minds are immature; they are incapable of making wise decisions and therefore must have an experienced mind decide everything for the well-being of their futures. Not only can that experienced mind decide everything for their child(ren), it can also resort to any means to make that future happen. "Any means" may include the burning of stuffed animals, the labeling of children as garbage, the denial of food, and the lack of pity.

Child abuse? No, try cultural differences. Compare this methodology to the Western parenting style: Every child is special in their own way, even if they are absolutely talentless. Surely said talentless child must be compassionate, creative, loyal? If such a child exists, there's no need to force the impossible on him (*coughHarvardcough*). Why not stick to the wholly simple, like making bead necklaces and or being content with failing grades?

You see the contrast. There's only one thing I can say about it: It's not pretty. Allow me to share a few examples of Asian-American parenting.

A friend said that when she was young and still learning piano, her mother forced her to practice over 3 hours a day or risk having her stuffed animals thrown away.

Another mother would yell and even throw things at the sight of a B+. A-'s would illicit scowls and bad tempers.

Extra credit is NOT an option, it's a requirement- according to parent #3.

Another mother is forcing a friend of mine to apply to 10 colleges, all prestigious. (Harvard and Princeton were definitely on the list.)

Finally - and this may not relate to me personally, but it's funny - I read online somewhere that a Chinese immigrant parent named her son Harvard in hopes that he would get in. (Did he get in? The world shall never know.)

Now personally, my parents are not nearly this strict. True, I have no cell phone, am not allowed to date until I get married (icwudt), or do anything overtly fun, but at least I didn't have to practice my violin 3 hours a day. Now that. That would've been horrible.

I really like how Amy Chua depicts herself in the novel. I finally get to see it from a parents' perspective: the frustration, the desperate hope that her offspring will make something of themselves, and the amount of time devoted to furthering her children's "careers." But is this all worth it, I wonder. The risk of resentful grown-up children that don't visit during Christmas is too great for my liking; I will not raise my kids the Asian way. (But then again, Amy Chua says that research indicates that most children are grateful to their parents. Wrap your heads around that, anons.)

Contrarily, though, some friends and I, perhaps jokingly (and perhaps not) have determined that our children shall start learning three languages, two instruments, one sport, and advanced academic courses with outside tutoring by the time they're 8. Perhaps all this has been inbred into us by strict parents. Only time will tell if we all bring forth precocious child prodigies.

Currently (Week the Third)

Books I'm reading:

American Shaolin by Matthew Polly


This week: 138 pages
Last week: 534 pages
This semester: 1078 pages


Sentences of the week:


1. "For some reason, the Chinese are not very fond of eggs. 'Stupid egg,' 'bad egg,' and worst of all, 'turtle's egg' are common insults." -American Shaolin

2. "Life is a one-shot deal." -Same book

3. "What struck me the most was not the devotion of the monks, which was evident, but rather an overwhelming feeling of alienation. Standing in that room, I felt as alone as I'd ever felt, a stranger in a strange land. Suddenly, I realized how desperately far away from home I was. It took my breath away, and I had to fight an instinct to flee the room." -Same book



I've definitely heard of stupid egg and bad egg as insults as stated in the first quote, but never have I heard of turtle's egg. And believe me, I have heard all of these insults while I attended first grade in China: someone who didn't do well on a test would be labeled a stupid egg while we would label unsavory characters in cartoons bad eggs. I can definitely relate to this quote.

As for the second quote, life is definitely a one-shot deal. That's why I don't get the people who contemplate suicide or murder. Why would someone extinguish his own or someone else's life when that life is all each person has? This world lives in the moment, but does not pause to consider the gravity of its decisions.

Third quote: I definitely felt this way for a while after I immigrated to America. All my friends and family members were back in China, and although there were Chinese people in my grade school back then, I couldn't relate to them because they were more Americanized than me. Eventually, I grew to accomodate American life, but I've never forgotten that feeling of loneliness.

Great Claims

1. In the scene created by Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater house in winter, its bleached colors, flowing movement, calm setting and elegant connection to nature illustrates an awestruck, majestic euphoria. - Feist-Fan

2. The educationally stimulating childrens' game Questionaut incorporates pleasantly jubilant music with whimsically quaint animation to create an inventively playful adventure. -Norwegian Wood

3. In this electrifying poster for the film 300, splashes of blood, open-mouthed screams of rage and anguish, and determined, hostile facial expressions, deliver impressive feelings of wrath, exhilaration, and bloodshed that are sure to be felt in the heat of battle. -InsideOut

4. The use of hierarchical depth, vibrant colors, varied expressions, and complete use of space in this movie poster for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory augments the contrasts between the dignified, concealing Willy and the ancillary, exuberant attendees while presenting the whimsical story in a unique way. -charliebucket

5. In this shocking yet comically amusing video we observe an unusually grotesque reaction to some news that set a strange wild boy into a mystifying tangent of caterwauling violently. -The Ozone Lair


It's very tough for me to pick a favorite, but if I had to, I'd say The Ozone Lair's claim was the best. That video was full of lawlz.

Link: http://alexozone.blogspot.com/

Claim Assignment: Switchfoot - Your Love Is A Song

Elements / Adjectives:

Lyrics - pensive, expectant, tenacious
Instruments - mellow, temperate
Emotion - uplifting, extolling, tender
Speed - deliberate
Vocals - husky, powerful, dreamy, breathless


Inferences:

Euphoric
Laudatory
Solemn
Ardent
Earnest


Claim:

In the song "Your Love Is A Song" by the band Switchfoot, the pensive, tenacious air of the lyrics, along with the mellow drum and guitar accompaniment and the powerful, husky, and dreamlike quality of the singer's vocals combine to evoke an overwhelming sense of breathlessness and euphoria surrounding the song's subject, a love so solemn and earnest it becomes the singer's reason for living.

The World of Kungfu

As I've said in my last post, I'm reading this book called American Shaolin by Matthew Polly. The reason I picked it up was because of the cover:

The Shaolin monk on the book cover is holding a bag of food from Burger King. I was extremely hungry at the time, having skipped lunch to work on some homework that I should not have procrastinated on. This book caught my eye, and this was my thought process:


zOMG BURGER KING. zOMG.

IS THAT BURGER KING?!

I haven't had fast food in soooo long. FFFUUU.

That. Person. Is. Chinese. I'm sooo reading this book.


So maybe I picked up this book for the wrong reasons. Instead of having 'high intellectual goals of accumulating wisdom' in mind, I hoped there would either be descriptions of food or complaints about how different everything in China was. (Both were in the book to varying degrees.) Because let's face it: books about cultural differences are always entertaining to the point of ridicule.

But anyways. American Shaolin is a nonfiction book about a weakling and Princeton dropout who travels to China to learn kungfu from the original masters and to maybe even achieve religious enlightenment from the monks' form of Buddhism. He does become somewhat beast at kungfu, but he doesn't really achieve true spiritual enlightenment.

There's just one thing wrong with this scenario: he dropped out of Princeton. Blasphemy! Pure blasphemy. I believe that dropping out of any prestigious college, ESPECIALLY Ivy League, is grounds for eternal shame and damnation in the fiery brimstone pools of Hell. (Or so say my parents.)

Anyhoo, I really liked this book. I could somewhat relate to it because I'm Chinese and most of the characters in the book are Chinese, but also because... no, that's about it. I'll never go on a self-discovering journey into the depths of a foreign country where everyone stares at me like I'm an alien, nor will I ever, EVER become physically ept. (The extent of my exercise is from videogames and walking to class. Derp.)

I do like the interactions between the Shaolin monks and Matthew (or Bao Mosi, as the monks call him), however. For instance, the monks consider Matthew to be a sexual libertine after he states that he's had 3 girlfriends. The Chinese culture states that one does not start openly dating until one is around 25, so the idea of an under-25 Matthew with 3 serious relationships and numerous (presumed) sexual conquests under his belt is unthinkable.

This highlights one of the many cultural differences, others of which include kinds of food eaten, amount of physical affection, and politeness. As many of you may know, Asians eat a larger variety of foods than whites. Physical affection is also increased, since people are comfortable in their sexualities and the idea of homosexuality in Asia is a myth. As for politeness, let me give a real-life example:

My family was dining with some relatives in a high-end seafood restaurant on our last visit to China. The bill came.

Dad: I'll pay the bill.

Uncle: Nonono, I insist I pay it. Keep your money.

D: We can't possibly make you pay all of this bill. It's too expensive. I'LL pay it.

U: *growing exasperated* You're our guests here. We can't allow you to lose your precious money on trivialities. Buy some icecream for your kids and let us pay the bill.

D: *loudly* No, I'LL pay the bill. End of story.

Etc etc etc...
The argument can go on for up to ten minutes before my dad grudgingly concedes to let my uncle pay. No joke.


Contrast this with an scenario between my family and some American friends:

*the bill comes*

Dad: I'll foot the bill.

American: Okay. Thank you, *insert my dad's name here*!

Dad: ...


The differences are astonishing.

Having no good way to conclude, I'm just going to lamely say: READ THIS BOOK.

What Ching Chong Actually Means (Regarding Racism)

Fact: I'm Chinese. I speak the language, look the part, and act the part.

I came to the US when I was six. In fourth grade, I was riding the bus when these two obnoxious girls behind me made a remark obviously directed at me: 'ching chong.'

I decided to be the better person and ignore them; eventually they tired of saying the phrase over and over and became silent. I was tempted, back then, to hurl back their way one of several choice of insults about their obesity or overly large noses, some of the many stereotypes Asians have about Americans. I decided not to, however, because I knew the true meaning of 'ching chong.'

Now, think of the worst possible insult you could make about yourself. Something so heinously awful that it would make Hitler or Bill O'Reilly burst into tears. Yup, that's right. That's what 'ching chong' means.

Trollface: U mad, bro?


Trolololol, I keed I keed. 'Ching chong' means absolutely nothing at all - it's not even a Chinese word/phrase. Failsauce. Now comes the question, "What does this have to do with the book I'm reading?" Well, I was getting to that.

I'm currently reading a book called "American Shaolin" by Matthew Polly. The book is about an American who, obsessed with kungfu, travels to China to learn kungfu from the original masters: the Shaolin monks. Side note: to see how awesome the Shaolin style of kungfu is in relation to modern day life, watch Shaolin Soccer - with subtitles, of course.

Soccer and mortal peril sometimes don't mix. In this case, they do.


Anyways. What this book has to do with my blog post is this: in the book, there's a moderate to extreme amount of white stereotyping. The Chinese people in the book consider Americans to be either obese, arrogant, condescending, big-nosed, or giants in matters of height. Obviously, this doesn't apply to all whites.

If the Chinese stereotyping of whites leaves a sour taste in your mouth, consider the other side of the story. There's this overwhelming assumption in the US, I've found, that Asians have tiny slanted eyes, a preference for dog, small reproductive organs, a lack of hygiene, and/or a tendency to be loud.

Obviously, none of this is universally true. For instance, while most Asians have said physical features; like with any race, there are exceptions. But meh, I'm just stating the obvious. Let's talk about dogs.

Personally, I've never eaten any animal you could consider a pet in my life, and neither have my parents. (We HAVE, however, eaten chicken feet, jellyfish, beef small intestine, and pork tongue. Don't judge.) Recently, Chinese citizens have been protesting the presence of dogs at the dinner table (only in some regions of China and more dominantly in Korea) due to more and more of the Chinese nouveau riche owning pets. This is good. Definitely good.

A succulent dish of jellyfish.


There are other stereotypes which I won't bother dispelling because they'd be too awkward and because I'm tired. If you're smart, you'll look them up and be rewarded with knowledge. (And a virtual cookie.)